Paper Bag People

Paper bag costumes are 100% unsexy. The glorified sacks above were made in the 1950s.

Paper Bag People

Pretty much any costume can be made from a paper bag, which is why they're unflattering in every way.
For further proof, see the catalog images above from the 1960s.

Paper Bag People

A paper bag playing the piano needs no explanation. Get me out of here.

Paper Bag People

McCall's created the patterns for these bizzarro paper bag costumes in 1969.
Lesson learned? Hallucinations are not sexy.

Monstrous Mice

It's hard to pinpoint what's so frightening about vintage Mickey and Minnie Mouse costumes, but it definitely has something to do with their giant alien eyes, fixed in a permanent death stare.
Behold the Mr. and Mrs. in all their creepy 1940s glory. (Via AtypicalArt's Flickr)

Monstrous Mice

Unless you've got amazing knees, this look from 1939 resembles a svelte black trashbag.
(Via Brechtbug's Flickr)

Monstrous Mice

Even Disney's own costume geniuses made Mickey and Minnie appear like evil twins, seen here in 1955.
What's with those facial scars?! (Via davelandweb.com)

Monstrous Mice

This ghost-faced duo from 1931 probably thought their flirty behavior looked cute.
(Via io9.com)

Dopey Inanimate Objects

Pick an everyday object, throw on a bulky cardboard rendering of its shape, and voila! You've found one of the least sexy ways to dress up. And don't forget, triangle shapes are always unflattering, particularly circa 1994.

Dopey Inanimate Objects

A big fat pumpkin does fine, but other inanimate objects provide plenty of unshapely disguises. Barbara Snook's 1969 book " Costumes for Children" offers a host of terrible ideas, including a trash-can, seaweed, and a cigarette.

Dopey Inanimate Objects

What a fabulous way to avoid getting phone numbers! This outfit works just as well today as it did in the 1950s.

Dopey Inanimate Objects

Once again, McCall's comes to the rescue with big, boxy costumes based on clunky household objects, circa 1985. Anything slightly cylindrical is fair game to help disguise your sculptured bod.

Hobo-riffic

Perhaps in the midst of a recession, we're not so tempted by the ubiquitous hobo costumes donned in ages past. But if you really want people to avert their eyes, might as well blend in with the vagrants and dress like you need a bath. Masks optional.

Hobo-riffic

Kids and adults alike can make this look equally grotesque, as seen in this image from 1955. Yikes!
(Photo by Lois Reed, via lreed76's Flickr)

Hobo-riffic

Even Judy Garland and Fred Astaire can't make tramps pretty, as shown here on the set of "Easter Parade" in 1948.

Here Come the Clowns

The long-legged jumpsuits, all-over makeup, and outrageous wigs are guaranteed to keep you single through Halloween night, and maybe even until Thanksgiving. (Via mrwaterslide's Flickr)

Here Come the Clowns

Just because you're working it, doesn't mean it's working: These sewing patterns from the 1930s and '40s tried to make clowning as chic as possible, and we're not buying it (even for $.25).

Here Come the Clowns

No, this is not a tour photo for the Insane Clown Posse, though these 1920s-era circus performers do look more like a bloodthirsty gang than a merry group of family entertainers.

Here Come the Clowns

Try this baby on for size: An early 20th century paper-mache clown mask is guaranteed to keep suitors at bay.